Memories of the Phoenix
by katzsoa
Summary: "I don't know what family is... As long as I can remember, I haven't had parents... I've always been this way."  But the phoenix had a family, she'd just forgotten them in all the fear...


**1: Mother**

Mother and I are walking through the village.

She walks slowly, so I can keep up.

(I am not very fast.)

Mother is a tall person.

My head is just above her waist,

And that's the very top.

My hair goes down. It doesn't give me height.

Mother has hair like sunlight.

It's golden-yellow, like Day-Sun.

My hair is not gold like Mother's.

It is red, like Dawn-Sun

Or maybe like Set-Sun.

(There are so many suns.)

I look up at Mother's face.

She has blue eyes, like the sky.

Mine are sky-blue, too.

Mother does not look happy,

But she does not look sad or angry.

She just is.

I love my mother,

But people look at her like

They are angry.

I do not know why.

Mother will not tell me.

**2: Father**

Mother sometimes takes me to see Father.

We have to go

Far from our house to meet him.

He lives out in the woods.

Mother says that Father wants

To live with me and her,

But he cannot.

I think it is because

He would not fit through the front door.

_Come here, Raven, hurry._

_We will have to go back soon._

We never stay for long with Father.

It gets too dark so quickly in the woods.

It is scary then,

But there is light now.

The woods open up into a valley,

And there I see Father!

_Father! Father!_

I run down the hill

And he hugs me with his wings.

His wings are big and warm

And they're red, red like my hair.

(But Father is not just red.

He is purple, yellow, pink

Around the edges.)

Father looks at me and smiles.

He smiles with his eyes

Because he was a beak

And not a mouth, like Mother.

I smile with my mouth.

_Good afternoon, Leia, _says Father.

(Leia is Mother. Father is named Mathazar.)

Mother strokes Father's neck.

Her fingers run through his feathers.

She does not talk much around Father.

_Come, Raven, _Father says.

_Let us go to the sky._

_Yes, Father, _I reply.

He opens his wings

And lets me out.

Mother backs away,

But I am watching Father.

He stands up tall and straight

And holds his wings out wide.

_Set your wings free, Raven._

I stretch my arms

And hold them out like Father.

They are just arms,

But I imagine that they are wings.

I look at Father and imagine

That I am a bird, like him.

I feel a rushing breeze through me,

And then I am a bird!

I think that I look just like Father,

Although he still is bigger.

I have my wings.

_Come, Raven, _says Father,

And we fly.

Our wings take us into the air,

High above the ground.

Mother is a tiny girl,

And the sky so big,

So blue.

I love to fly.

I love my wings.

I love Father.

I want to stay and fly all night,

But Mother calls me down.

**3: Monster**

I am playing in the village.

I play alone, by our house.

The other children never come to play.

I sit and watch the clouds

Or count the grass.

_One, two, three…_

I hear footsteps, and I look up

To see a funny creature

Staring back at me.

It has a black face, and long black ears,

But it is white and fluffy on the rest.

It looks so soft,

I want to touch it.

_Bah, _it says. _Bah, bah._

I laugh.

It is so cute and funny.

I get up and walk over,

But it turns to run away.

_Don't go, _I say. _Not yet._

_Won't you play with me?_

_Bah, _it says. I grin

And I reach out to stroke it.

It feels softer than the blanket

That Mother made for me to sleep with.

_Bah, bah._

I smile

And I wrap my arms around it.

It's so soft…

_Monster! _someone shouts.

And then people are running,

Running at me and the creature.

One man has a sword.

The creature _bah_s again

And runs away.

The people chase it from the village.

_Monster, _I say.

_Monster._

What's a monster?

**4: Questions**

_Mother, what's a monster?_

Mother stops, puts down her spoon.

_What's a monster? _she repeats.

_Yes, _I say. _What is it?_

She looks very sad.

_A monster is a non-human._

Another new word.

_Non-human?_

_I am human, _Mother says.

_This is a human village._

I think.

The white fluffy creature

Did not look like people in the village,

And people in the village

Are the humans, Mother said.

_So the white fluffy creature_

_Was a monster?_

Mother nods.

_That monster is called a wooly._

Wooly. Wooly.

The humans yelled _Monster!_

And chased away the wooly.

_Are monsters bad? _I ask.

_Is that why they chased it away?_

Why does Mother

Look so sad?

_Some think so, _she says.

_Some think so._

I am thinking,

Thinking of humans,

And of woolies,

And also of wings.

_Is Father a monster?_

_Yes, Raven, he is._

_Then is Father bad?_

Mother frowns.

_Hush now, Raven. Quiet._

_You ask too many questions._

_Eat your dinner._

We pick up our spoons and eat again,

But in my head is one more question.

If Father is a monster,

And Mother is a human,

What is Raven?

Am I a human?

Or am I a monster?

But Mother said to hush,

And so I eat

And do not ask.

**5: Nightmare**

I dream that people are chasing me

With their fists and swords.

I run away, but they still follow.

_Monster! _they shout. _Monster!_

_I am not a monster, _I cry,

But they do not listen.

I look down and see

That I am a bird,

A bird, like Father.

A non-human.

A monster.

The people grab me, and I scream

And then I wake up.

**6: Cursed**

I go walk alone

While Mother is inside.

I do not know where to go,

But I need to move.

I do not want Mother to worry,

So I stay inside the village.

I see two other girls,

Sitting by a house

And playing with a ball.

I walk up to them.

_Can I play?_

They look at me,

And then at each other.

They do not reply.

The door of the house opens,

And then out comes a woman.

She is old and very angry.

_Go away! _she says.

_Don't you come near my granddaughters!_

She is scary. I stand there,

Not sure what to do.

_Get out of here! _she says.

_Don't you touch my girls!_

_Don't you bring_

_A curse_

_Upon them, too!_

A curse?

What is a curse?

_Are you deaf?_

_Begone, cursed girl!_

_Begone!_

She raises a hand

In which she holds a walking stick.

It looks like she will hit me,

And so I run away.

I want to fly away,

Up to the sky, where there are

No sticks.

No words.

Nothing to hurt me there.

But Mother told me once,

_Never use your wings in front of people._

_Never transform inside the village._

So I run.

I run home

And hide under my blanket

In my bed.

**7: Danger**

_Father wants you to go away with him,_

Mother says to me.

_Go where? _I ask.

_You will go to a new home,_

Mother explains.

_You will always use your wings_

_Instead of your legs._

I think.

I would like to always fly.

_But how would you come with me?_

Mother smiles,

But it is not a happy smile.

She looks sad.

_I would not go with you._

_Then I don't want to go, _I say.

_Why go to a new home?_

_I have both you and Father here._

_I don't want just one._

_Why can't things stay_

_The way they are?_

Mother opens up her arms

And I sit down on her lap.

She holds me in her arms.

She cradles me, like I'm a baby.

_It is dangerous here, Raven._

_There is danger for Father,_

_While he stays so close to the village_

_And danger for you,_

_While you are here._

_I do not want to lose you, Raven,_

_But this might be_

_The only way._

I sink my head

Into her arms.

_If I go, can I come back?_

Her lips brush my forehead.

_No, my dear._

_Not here._

_Not now._

My fingers grip

The fabric of her dress.

_I do not want to go, _I say.

_I do not want to go._

_I know, _she says,

And holds me tight.

_I know._

**8: Murder**

Bang, bang, bang!

Someone pounds on the front door.

I wake up.

It's still dark outside.

_Mother?_

_Hush, Raven._

She is walking to the door.

_Hide under the bed, Raven, _Mother says.

_Do not move._

_Do not speak._

_Do not make a sound._

_You must stay hidden, Raven._

_Do you understand?_

I nod

And I slide under the bed.

_Open up! _someone shouts.

_Open the door!_

From under the bed,

I can only see Mother's feet

As she opens the door.

Can't she just keep it closed?

Maybe they'll go away

If she doesn't answer.

I am very afraid.

_Can I help you?_

Mother sounds calm.

The men outside

Do not.

_The child, Leia!_

_Give us the child._

The child?

Is that me?

What do they want with me?

_What child? _Mother asks.

_Do not play dumb, woman._

_We know what fathered that child._

_We know what you have done._

_It is unnatural._

_It is wrong._

_The child has been here_

_Far too long._

_It must be destroyed_

_Before it destroys us._

Why would I destroy the people?

I don't hate them.

But, right now,

I want them to go away.

_The child is gone, _Mother says.

_She left with her father._

_You will never find them._

If they think that I am gone,

Will they leave?

The men laugh.

_You lie, woman._

_The child is not with its father._

_We killed the monster._

_It is gone._

_The child was not there._

Killed?

They killed Father?

No…

Mother gasps.

_You…_

_You killed Mathazar?_

_You killed him?_

The men laugh

And one hands something to Mother

That makes her scream.

_You killed him!_

_The child, woman!_

_Where is the child?_

Mother falls to her knees.

_Do not hurt Raven!_

_Please, do not hurt my daughter!_

_You daughter is a freak,_

_An abnormality,_

_And you are an abomination_

_For letting a monster touch you_

_In this way!_

_Our village shall be rid_

_Of this curse you've brought upon us!_

_You shall also die, tonight!_

My heart makes a funny jump

And starts to beat so loudly,

They must hear it.

Mother begins to sob,

And I want to run to her,

And have her hold me in her arms

And promise me that it will be all right,

And that we shall go tomorrow

To visit Father.

But she told me to stay hidden,

So I don't move.

The men grab Mother

And she screams as they take her

Out of the house.

Her screams are so loud,

They fill my ears.

Then, suddenly,

They stop.

She doesn't scream anymore.

_She must have hidden the child, _a man says.

_We must find it._

_We should burn the house, _he says.

_Leave no trace of this curse behind._

I peek out from under the bed

And I see on the floor

What they gave to Mother

That made her scream.

It is Father's head.

I want to scream, too,

But Mother told me

Not to make a sound

And I am still so very scared.

Someone shouts

And they throw a torch through the window.

It hits the floor

And flares.

The fire spreads

Until it burns the walls and roof

And sets the bed alight.

There is fire all around me,

But I stay hidden.

Do not move.

Stay hidden.

Father's head is still lying there.

It does not burn.

The flames do not burn me, either,

But I am too scared to wonder why.

The house creaks and sags.

Will it all fall down on me?

Something big is thrown

Through the door.

I see it.

It is Mother.

She is limp and covered in blood,

But her face looks at me.

It stares

And I stare

As it burns.

The fire strips her face away.

It consumes her hair, her skin.

I cannot look away.

But I close my eyes

And when I open them again,

Mother is gone.

There is a skill lying there,

The flames licking it,

Still staring at me,

Still staring through

Its empty eyeholes.

Now I scream,

But it is not the scream of a human.

It is the scream of a bird.

And now I know why

The fire does not burn me.

Because I transformed.

Because of my wings.

Because

I am a monster.

My wings unfold, and I rise upward

Smashing through the roof

As the house collapses around me

Into flames.

There are people running around.

These are the people

Who killed Father,

Who killed Mother.

They see me and scream.

I scream louder

And fly into the air

Over the village.

And I make fire fall down from me,

Down onto the village.

The houses burn.

The people burn.

I still do not burn.

I fly away.

I fly far away

From the flames and the screams,

Far from the home

That is no longer home.

I just want to get away.

I fly until my wings give out,

And I fall to the ground as a human,

A human.

A cursed girl,

Who cries herself to sleep.

**9: Memory**

_When the boy who was a wooly_

_Asked her about family,_

_The girl who was a phoenix_

_Said she never had one._

_She said that she_

_Does not remember parents._

_She does not remember home._

_And it was true._

_When she looks back,_

_She does not see_

_The mother and the father._

_She only sees the skull._

_But sometimes…_

_Sometimes,_

_When she flies above the trees,_

_She hears the father_

_Teaching her to use her wings._

_Sometimes,_

_When she strokes the golden wooly,_

_She feels another wooly,_

_Or she sees the mother_

_Stroking the father's neck._

_Sometimes,_

_When she holds her daughter close,_

_She feels like the mother_

_Who once did the same to her._

_And sometimes,_

_When she's with her family:_

_The wooly husband,_

_The laughing daughter,_

_The iron father,_

_The backwards sister,_

_The other, sleepy sister,_

_And herself, the phoenix wife,_

_She can remember the first family:_

_The monster father,_

_The loving mother,_

_And herself, the phoenix child,_

_And she can forget the skull._


End file.
